It’s my mom’s birthday!
I miss my mom so much! She’s not dead, but she lives in Peru. She moved away, almost 9 years ago. Wow, it hurts even just typing that. It’s crazy how time flies. After living in the United States for over 30 years, she returned to her birth country to “fix” her legal status -- but really I think she left to chase after her boyfriend who also left everything behind to move over there. I will never know the truth but I’ll always remember how I felt.
Lost. Hurt. Resentful. Jealous. Unworthy. I felt like part of me was missing. I felt abandoned. I had just graduated college and finally making my way back home after being away the past four years. Yet, it was her cue to leave. My graduation was an invitation for her to risk it all and go away. I was left responsible for her home; figuring out how to pay a mortgage at 21 while my friends were out partying, enjoying their fresh paychecks, and discovering life after undergrad. I resented the circumstances so much but I could never blame her or make her look bad. I was her protector because we had been through so much together; I was her baby girl…but I guess that wasn’t enough for her to stay.
Since my mom’s been away, so much has happened:
- COVID happened globally, but we experienced lockdown without her.
- I went back to school and got my master’s.
- My sister and I got our confirmation.
- I turned 25, and then 30. Milestones we didn’t celebrate together.
- We paid off her car, and eventually sold it in 2024.
- My sister had a second baby. He’s 4 now.
- I’ve had 3 different relationships, 4 different jobs, 5 different therapists.
- Our dog, Ellie, passed away.
- I got engaged, and later married.
- I bought a house of my own.
- ….and the biggest one: We paid off her house!!!
Sometimes I feel bad for mourning not having her present for significant life events. It’s how I feel, and I think the only person that “gets it” is my sister. She might even hurt more because my mom left when my sister’s first born was only 2 weeks old. And everyone knows there’s no mom that needs her mom more than the one that just became a mom. That’s also a worry I have when my time comes.
I still see my mom pretty often, at least once a year…. but it’s nothing like having her here, close to me, whenever I need a hug or a warm dish to warm up my soul on the tough days. My momma turns 63 today..she’s a twin, so I guess I have to call my uncle too. My mom looks more beautiful than ever, she’s active, she’s smart, and she’s a queen. I love hearing her endearing voice on the other end of the line. She’s always at a hundred speed and I guess she must have some type of OCD. Anything around her always has to be clean and organized.
She’s in Argentina right now visiting an old friend. I love to see her travel and explore different countries. It’s something she never got to do when she was living here. I admire my mom. I know she’s been through a lot. She had terrible luck in her past relationships, including the one with my dad. She, like me, also lost her boss. It was even more sad because they worked together for 20 years. She’s the one that’s taught me perseverance and grit.
As I get older, and wiser from all the therapy I’ve been through all these years, I can contently say that I’ve forgiven my mom, even if her intentions were actually to leave for better opportunities. I love her and I know she also wishes things were different. If there’s anything I could tell my mom it would be that everything is ok. She helped me crawl, walk, and now I can run, on my own. And for that, I’ll always be grateful. Thank you mom and Happy Birthday. I love you beyond words. I can’t wait to see you sometime soon I hope.