Generational Trauma
At least once a year, my sister and brother in-law go on a weekly getaway and, assuredly, leave my nephews behind with me. What a privilege it is to be trusted with the boys. We usually plan this way in advance so that I can mentally, physically, and emotionally prepare. These weekends truly give me a glimpse into what life with kids would be like. And ever since I got married, it's also become good experience for how my husband and I would manage and handle parenting.
Unlike me, who has been part of both of my nephews' journey since my sister was pregnant, my husband hasn't really been around many babies or kids in general. That's why he's a lot less forgiving. I don't blame him. Before my nephews came around, I would also get frustrated with babies crying or throwing trantrums in public places.
It's also a lot easier to imagine how you would parent your kids vs. when you actually have to do it. Kids don't listen -- not right away at least -- and they aren't easy at all. I'm no mom but from witnessing my sister and brother-in-law raise the boys first hand, I've learning that there's no rulebook, guide, or key to being the perfect parent. It's a matter of praying your way through it and hoping you're doing things right.
Kids can also be very stubborn and manipulative. You tell them to eat, they will do anything but that, but if they do, they'll pick out all the vegetables. If they want you to give into something, you'll get a whole testimony about why they need it now and stomp their feet if they don't. Most of the times they'll guilt trip you with tears or sometimes it's the opposite and they won't say anything at all. You just don't know. It depends on the day.
My nephews are no different. With time, I've gotten to know them a little better and become more flexible to what they need. I also have a very big soft spot for them. I guess it's just really important for me to create an environment where they can feel safe. When I was a kid my parents, unintentionally, created high expectations on how I should behave, what I should say, and how I should act. It happens but it also doesn't let kids be curious and explore on their own. I personally think it can limit confidence, resilience, and self-esteem building.
My husband is a lot stricter with the boys than I am. He thinks if he says "eat," and they don't eat that they're being direspectful. Yes, I can see why he feels that way but common, you're setting high expectations for stubborn kids. This doesn't make them rude, it just makes them kids. Am I excusing kids' behavior? OK, maybe. But, intimidating, threatening, or making them feel like they're a disppointment is not the way I'd like to parent.
I got very emotional last weekend. I felt worried on whether we were ready to parent. What if our marriage falls apart when the time comes because our parenting styles are entirely different? Are we going to be contradicting ourselves for the rest of our lives around our kids? Have we had all the conversations we need to?
He explained how, as the adult, he wants to have control. I get it, who wouldn't? But that's not always going to be easily handed as a parent. Kids also want to control. You can discipline and be firm with them without putting them down or shaming them. That's non-negotiable for me. We agreed to continue working on communication because it's not only about what we want to say, it's how we say it. The generational trauma, intentional or not, stops here.